A Sunday post

i woke up and thought, how did i get here? How did i get to be a woman old enough to live on her own? Who let me leave my parents house? how did i get into this bed? this house? who bought that lovely painting? the lovely duvet? Is it really me? Am i really a card carrying member of the adult club?

Do you ever have the feeling that your life and all that has happened to you has been a dream? And this is for both the great and not so great things you have experienced. For example, i'm i the same person who allowed people to walk all over me while also being clever enough to open up my heart to pursue friendships which have turned out to be so wonderful? how is it possible that i'm good at some things and stink so badly at others? How is it that all these bits and parts have found a home in my body and left their prints on my soul?

Really when did all this happen? when did this coming together of the different bits and parts happen? Where was i when it was all happening? Because come to think of it, this morning lying in bed it felt like someone else had been residing in my body and i was only now coming round.

When did i start liking all this soft rock music? the sounds of Yossou N'Dour, Ani Di Franco etc? when did i discover my musical taste? defining it as 'my' taste? When did i start reading only certain book genres? how have i managed to read my way through some of this stuff? How did i get this sense of style, or of wearing my hair the way it is and the list goes on and on and on.

Where have I being when all this LIFE was BEING lived? Can i say with certainty that i have been fully conscious? Or at least 50% of the time? Is this how you wake up and look into the face of a 60 year old woman and wonder where the years went by?

I can't say if this realization (is that what it is? haven't i always known...)has anything to do with the current state of my life or is just a way to resolve the feeling i've been having of being lost, with no real direction or purpose and my desire to find my way back on to the path (whatever it was) i was trying to beat out for myself. . . Whatever it is, i can say that perhaps there is greater consciousness today in my life than yesterday or the day before that.

What i can't shake though, is that feeling of wonder at some of the things that have happened in the intervening years. . .today at least i think of the good things and fortune i have had and realize too that those things have come about when i have been engaged; conscious to them; when i have decided to pursue them; when i have also let them run their course. . .the good stuff just then followed...


Wisemen, james blunt, back to bedlam

Cure for 'woe is me' syndrome

So i was feeling very sorry for myself early this week. Well, the load of work on my desk put paid to that ...albeit briefly, then it was back to the, 'woe is me' saga.

Then as i left the office i saw some women with cartons around which they wrap sisal rope and carry on their backs. The cartons are full of veggies and fruit. These women walk around neighbourhoods mainly in Westlands, Parklands, Asian areas mainly bringing these wares to the inhabitants of these upper class neighbourhoods. As a child i recall one woman in particular who came round our house (it hadn't been converted into an upper class area by then) and she had all these earthy smelling carrots, tomatoes, sukuma wiki and even amidst all that crush of stuff she would pull out very fresh looking dhania (coriander). I didn't think she was poor then. I did not have much reference point for what constituted poor or counted as poverty.

This time as i left my office and saw these women - i couldn't help but wonder what their story was. Do they have children? partners? Do their children know how far their mama's have to walk to make Ksh. 70? I still don't think they are poor, because at least they are selling this fruit and veggies. But that's also because i don't know their stories - perhaps if i saw or heard how far they stretched the Ksh. 70 plus they make i would say different.

As i watched these women walk by, i thought how as much as we try to put positive spins on the plight of poor people it can border on the absurd! Saying things like, 'they have hope', 'they continue to hope'....But I think to myself what hope? Would i remain hopeful faced with such inequalities?

In Kenya, this veggie/fruit walk-by your house vendor has hope? Maybe hope to at least own a small house of her own. But how can there be hope when your earnings for one day are equivalent to like 0.0001% of what it costs to put up just the perimeter wall outside the customers' houses? What hope do you have of ever, ever getting anywhere close to that?

You need a huge helping hand to get even close to that - a mixture of everything from Aid; Government assistance; social welfare like interventions; political and moral willingness to confront individual roles in perpetuating situations of poverty in their own or other countries and the list could go on and on.

And even then, I regret to inform you that only your great grandchildren will get close to or have the life your main customers enjoy.

Oh and back to my earlier thoughts, i was feeling sorry for myself. I stopped. . .i know it is likely to return but in the meantime i'm just not going to feel sorry for myself. Why? I have more chances and opportunities than most and it just is crass to wallow in 'woe is me' situations for longer than an hour...i have few or no reasons for not being hopeful. . .

Overhead recently . . .
Parents are spending anywhere between 10,000 and 20,000 dollars to make their child grow 2-4" taller! Yes it is so ridiculous . . .so you go from 5 2" to 5 4" - you are still short! And unless you intend for your child to go into a profession in which there's a heigh requirement....come on, spend that money on something else surely. According to this CNN Show, Insight once the US FDA approved the drugs, prescriptions have shot up i think by like 100%!!!
Nuts! What next?

yada yada

i keep revisiting the same things over and over

many of the conversations going on in my head are arguments

many mornings i feel like i only just got into bed

and the next night i plan to get in bed early

but one night cap later

one whole TV show later

one whole chapter of a book later

it is suddenly morning too soon

just like yesterday.

**********************************
i read about a sister
the paper said he was a suspect
in her death

i then heard about the sister
and how she tried to leave
and the effect of violence on boys
the effect on girls
then i read today
he died
where's the justice?
who will we charge with her murder?
************************************

It's no use complaining
if you'll not do your bit
to be the change you wish to see
it's no use being hurt
when they question your abilities
when you don't take the opportunities.

it really is no use
to you
to me
to anyone really

***************************************
And finally,
the big question of the day.
Can i really lose 6 kgs?
Can i ?
do i need to?
will it kill me to accomodate the slight heaviness?
really, will it?
*****************************************
The conclusion of almost 12 hours infront of this darn screen....

Are you 'active'?

that's what my male gynaecologist asked me recently. Of course i said, 'yes, i go try to exercise regularly.' Then he gave me a kind of weird look. Later as he examined me and he kept asking me other questions and then it came out that what he meant was, 'have i ever been in a sexual relationship!' Now why didn't the bugger just come right out and ask me that in the first place? I mean he was acting all coy as though he were speaking to some person he was having a non-patient/doctor relationship!

That was on one visit.

On a recent visit, he told me to, 'relax, yeast infections are not life threatening!' Excuse me?! If they are not life threatening or if you think they are not 'serious' enough problems to bother you with, then why don't you just prescribe some over the counter stuff and save me the consultation fee I have to keep paying you every time i come? If they are so 'simple' then why haven't you figured out how to stop them recurring?

That was my last visit!

The decision has been finally arrived at. No more male gynaecologists! I want to go to a woman gynae who understands how a pesky recurring yeast infection can be as debillitating to a woman as painful period pains etc. Another thing i have decided, is i want a doctor who treats me as a partner in the healing process and not just a student behind the desk and he the willing teacher! This guy i noticed was very uncomfortable when i asked, 'what if this treatment does not work this time....? Then he's like, 'don't be so negative..., WT%$&*'? Don't be negative!?% Nuts, i tell you! He is nuts!!! I have to think about it, for heaven's sake, i'm the one suffering...it is time consuming to keep visiting the doctor, expensive and emotionally draining. Yes yeast infections can be draining!!!!

I want a doctor who asks questions in a straightforward manner! All this 'shyness' around sex, sexuality etc. is maddening! Dammit! just spit it out....your a gynae for heaven's sake!!!

Suffice to say that was my last visit, and the last time some stupid, ignoramus of a male gynaecologist sticks his hand up my insides!

Get Active for Equality!

NAIROBI +21 INITIATIVE. . .
. . .a series of activities that seeks to mark the 21st anniversary of the 3rd UN World Women's Conference, which was hosted by the Government of Kenya and held in Nairobi in 1985. Over 20,000 women from around the world came to Nairobi to participate in the conference. The purpose of marking the 21st anniversary of the conference will be to celebrate the various victories that have been won since then and to reflect on the challenges that remain.

The National Commission on Gender and Development as the lead agency, in collaboration with FEMNET (African Women's Development and Communication Network) and Heinrich Boll Foundation (Regional Office in East and Horn of Africa office)have short listed various activities intended to build up to a mega conference scheduled for 28th July 2006 to be held at the KICC. This conference event is meant to coincide with the actual dates of the 1985 conference, bringing together, women luminaries, women’s organizations and the general public in a three tiered structure assessing what Nairobi was, what it achieved and what challenges prevail with regards to women’s empowerment.

The other objective of this commemoration is to create an inter-generational linkage between those that were in the 1985 Conference, and those that joined the Movement after in order to promote sustainable consciousness for gender equality.

HBFA will be hosting a series of special Gender Fora in the next few months. These are normally open to the public. For more information contact nairobi@hbfha.com on the date of the next Forum.

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Gender equality=Economic growth

http://allafrica.com/stories/200605301354.html The World Bank Country Policy and Institutional Assessment (CPIA) report which shows that Kenya's gender policy is hampering economic development.

duh! how long have we been saying this???? huh?

Basically the highlights of the article:

• "Kenya's economy grew by 5.8 per cent, which is the highest in a decade but the report assessment says if the Government had dealt with the gender issue, growth rate could have been 7.8 per cent," said Bruce. (WB Country Director in Kenya)

• The report says eliminating gender-based inequalities in education and access to agricultural inputs could result in a one off GDP increase of 4.3 per cent followed by a sustained year-on-year increase of 2 to 3.5 per cent.

• Key findings of the Gender report show that women contribution more to agro and informal sector-based businesses and are poor time keepers due to the dual roles they play in household and labour-based economies and also work for 12.9 hours, while men dominate the formal sector, and work for 8.2 hours.

But it takes the WB to say it, for it to receive any press coverage and Government to listen. Of course having such stats. helps. Unfortunately how many donors want to fund women's organizations and CSOs to do this type of research? How many of us Kenyan networks and CSOs are actually engaging in this type of work? And yes statistics do play a helpful role in our advocacy. We need more information generated by our own Kenyan and African women's networks.

So it is left to large multilaterals agencies like WB and the UN to collect these statistics. The irony is that the WB itself and many donors to the government of Kenya are unwilling to place gender equality as a conditionality of aid! Yet they will spend money collecting and documenting the effect of gender inequality on economic growth! Ironic! Or possibly just that even in the WB patriarchy is alive and kicking and worse, tokenism toward the achievement of gender equality and a lack of understanding of how to achieve gender equality.

Unstoppable idiocy!

the other day at a meeting in my shags, this man came and asked me if a poster i'd put up was for real. The poster basically urges women to think twice before becoming any man's doormat through marriage. So i told him, of course it was based on real experiences documented by this orgnaization.

He gave me this look of, 'you crazy'! 'you too young to be this crazy!' And i gave him a look of, 'don't even dare speak another word about that poster otherwise i will slap that smirk right off your face...infront of all these people!' Needless to say he just mumbled and walked off to grab some tea (prepared by women!).

This same guy had the nerve to start saying how 'men' have been put in charge of everything in the universe by God. Forget the fact that throughout the session we kept discussing how we must ensure our language, attitudes etc. are inclusive especially of younger women. This idiot, just kept going. . .an unstoppable train of patriarchy.

Aish!

Reinvention as revolution

i deleted my old home. It wasn't comfortable anymore. everything about the design, what it said about me was no longer comforting.

so now this is my new home, i'm not sure for how long.

i notice that my life is a lot about reinvention around anniversaries and milestones. Around particular milestones i seem to just become unhinged for a period of 24 hours, during which anything is possible. Not always pleasant.

i hope to be more true to who i am in this new home. more than i have been lately.

One need not travel far to find or start a revolution - reinventing oneself is revolution enough. Most importantly, it is a revolution you have almost 100% control over - only you have the deciding vote. Nobody else!