A miscellany of thoughts

Hope rings eternal:

but when do you stop and just decide that it's time there was more than just hope and more signs that you're on the right path? sometimes it's like there are no road signs - yet it doesn't feel like i'm lost, but i also just don't know exactly where i am.

We are more similar than different:
yet we somehow forget this when we're beating the crap out of another human being or denigrating particular groups. When really it's just us 'against' the plants, insects or wild animals...well actually that didn't come out right....essentially if there were to be fights for resources would you be grouping with plants etc. or fellow humans? yet it's so easy to slap each other upside the head and hack each other to death....sad!

Just listen . . .
i feel that guys just don't listen to women much! it's like when we speak they almost tune out but turn to a woman with the same piece of info and they listen, are all ears. An argument with a man seems to turn into an issue of, 'you are wrong' and he is right! It's so infuriating and makes relationships way tooo difficult to navigate. It's made more difficult when these are new relationships you are negotiating. . .sometimes i wonder what's the point of it all?! will we really reach that point of intimacy and conversation where you actually listen?! Do you even realize that you do this and it keeps people out? Do you?

i also feel that guys can talk too much crap. in one case they were clearly giving wrong information, but not one told the other 'you are wrong'. Yet i've seen this same set of guys question me and other women in that particular circle on several occasions or receive our information with a vague dismissal. This is not limited to just them. . .i get it at work too when there's too much talk and when you ask for evidence of the results...all you get is silence.


If wishes were horses, beggars would ride:
and there would be a world in which a woman's point of view is not seen with suspicion, derision, dismissal by all men and fellow women.

Job search for the aimless

The search for a new job requires almost a whole separate strategy for handling the emotions it unleashes in you.

Take for instance when you find out which other people are in the running for a job you are also interested in. . .the thought no. 1 in my case, 'oh no, she's good...really good...what chance do i stand?' thought no. 2, 'ai? isn't this way out of her league?'(uncharitable but true) and finally, the 'forget that one, there's no way i'm getting in if so and so is applying' thought.

With the first i'm thinking, ok, so she's good but atleast there's a fighting chance.
With the second, i'm a bit insulted that she should think she's good enough for the same positions as i'm applying for. (Again mean spirited but true).
The last one. . .well let's just say it doesn't even beggar a response!

As the week progresses waiting to hear back i'm thinking what can i do to out do no. 1? As in i actually feel that there is something to be done - it's manageable.
With regards to no. 2 by this time i'm thinking, she might just have an ace up her sleeve for interview time so i better not underestimate her. After all how many times do you hear of people going from a junior-mid level to very senior position? It's not impossible, so better not get cocky.
No. 3 . . .is still a no go area. . .the situation is so up and down all over the place. Sometimes it psyches me up to really push for it. 'You can do it', 'yYou're just as good and better' other times i'm debillitated with fear and breaking out into a cold sweat. My thinking shifts to 'what 'if i actually can't do the job?' Hours spent reading and re-reading what the job entails and getting more and more scared. Should i even bother applying? Because the longer am reading the requirements and looking at my cover letter, the less i'm feeling confident about my abilities to do the job. Then what? Argh!
I soon talk myself out of this one and convince myself that surely i must have known the job was possible to do when i applied. Otherwise why else would i apply?

By the end of the week i'm hoping i'll have arrived once again at the comforting thought that there i cannot staunch my ambitions. They will always find a way to come out despite notions of living an aimless life. They'll come out in many ways for example by turning you towards applying for a job you dream about but consciously are in awe of and mentally feel at times you can't do. But the spirit of ambition thinks otherwise.

AOB (kinda related...they're all vacancies)
Five annoying things house agents do:
(1) they call and ask you to call them back, 'woiye, call me back sina airtime'....excuse me!?

(2) they smile and purr, 'ah, yes you want to live in Westlands, ah let me see...oh i had a beautiful, beautiful apartment there, right price etc. (smiles)...but it's gone! (manic grin)....(are you trying to torture me?)

(3) ah, yes there's another one, hmm let me see, oh, but it's available on Aug 15th....(eh, OK, didn't i tell you my lease is up on Jul 31st....?)

(4) i have one in Kilimani area...(smiles)...yes, yes indeed, it's near that road of Kileleshwa Police Station, near Kasuku Centre? Hello? Kilimani? Kileleshwa??!%$

(5) They promise to call and they don't. When you do, they ask you if you are 'that Jane of yesterday. . .?' (eh we only met less than 24 hours, surely is my face that forgettable?

Award for dumbest agent:
. . .the one who showed us a house and when we asked if they kept dogs he was categorical that there was not a dog in sight. As we drove in, we asked him what the bushy Alsatian panting by the car was and he remarked very nonchalantly, 'oh it must be the owner's dog...'!%$ (ah, so it is a dog...hmm)

My advice to anyone running these agencies. . .please buy your staff enough airtime to give a more professional service! Please!

Get Active: Commemorating St.Kizito

CineArts Afrika together with the Young Women Leadership Institute will be holding a three day event from 13th to 15th July 2006 at the National Museums which brings together students from selected secondary schools, Universities, Teacher Training Colleges and media training schools to watch films and hold discussions on “Gender Violence”. The events are part of activities aimed at commemorating the St. Kizito tragedy where 19 girls died and others were left traumatised after a rape ordeal.

The event will involve use of film as a tool to educate and present a forum for finding solutions towards the recognition of women rights and ways of advocating for an end to gender violence in the society.

Morning screening will start at 9.00am and afternoon screening at 2.00pm

Friday 14th
HAWA (1 HOUR) followed by a discussion (starts at 2.30pm)

SILENCE IS BETRAYAL- 5 Min followed by a discussion (starts around 3.30pm)

OUT OF SILENCE (starts at 4.15pm)

Saturday 15th
BEHIND CLOSED DOORS- 80 Min followed by discussions (starts at 9am)

NO AGAINST WOMEN VIOLENCE”- 14 Min followed by discussion (starts at 11.30am)


“THE PRICE OF A DAUGHTER”- 86 Min followed by a discussion (starts at 2pm)

Aimless

I would not describe myself as highly ambitious. In fact just the opposite, i am yet to articulate clearly what my goals are. For instance i have a savings account but what i'm i saving towards? I couldn't say. And part of it obviously is for a rainy day but what is the other part for? I really couldn't say, i'm doing it just because it's what all adults are supposed to do.

Take my job for instance. I know if i had only played my cards a certain way it is possible to have been very far up the professional scale. But i haven't really done that. Why? Because it just doesn't interest me long enough. Of course i do at times get attacked by pangs of jealousy when i hear what friends or family have achieved. But it either passes or i find myself on some crazy bandwagon to do what they are doing (which is their dream not mine...)at least for a while before dropping off into the slow lane.

I couldn't say what my own personal goals are because it's clear there are none. Is this weird especially considering my father is very goal oriented and achieves a lot? Whereas my mother just sets out to do soemthing and asks for directions as she goes along, not setting herself any milestones to achieve, but somehow achieving alot. Maybe i'm like her.

I just want to find my own dream. I feel that if it was possible to define my own dream then i would operate on my own terms; push for the dream and fight for this dream with greater confidence than i currently feel.

How can you love anyone else when you don't have a dream of your own?

Walk the talk

Walk and talk