Gender 101

Ever wondered what all the talk about gender is? Why it gender activists are irritated when their work is considered to benefit 'only women' (not that there's anything wrong with that...)? This poem by Nancy R Smith which i remember coming across a couple of years back, aptly captures what 'all this talk on gender is about'! I particularly hope that men read this and understand that the struggle for gender equality is not just about the rights of women, but paves the way for other economic, social and cultural freedoms for young and old, male and female alike.

For those women working on gender equality issues, maybe you should keep a copy of this handy in the wallet/purse to just shut up those who start nattering on about how you want women to 'sit on men'...(which is not even a very comfortable position to be in...:(
------------------------------------------

For Every Woman
By Nancy R. Smith
For every woman who is tired of acting weak
when she knows she is strong,
There is a man who is tired of appearing strong
when he feels vulnerable.
For every woman who is tired of acting dumb,
There is a man who is burdened with the constant
expectation of “knowing everything.”
For every woman who is tired of being called
“an emotional female”
There is a man who is denied the right to weep and be gentle.
For every woman who feels “tied down” by her children,
There is a man who is denied the full pleasure of parenthood.
For every woman who is denied meaningful employment
and equal pay,
There is a man who must bear full financial responsibility for
another human being.
For every woman who was not taught the intricacies
of an automobile,
There is a man who was not taught the satisfaction of cooking.
For every woman who takes a step toward her own liberation,
There is a man who finds that the way to freedom
has been made a little easier.
— courtesy of Development Alternatives with Women for a New Era (DAWN) www.dawnnet.org

Waiting or getting on with life?

Wedding season is upon us once again in Nairobi. I attend a handful of weddings and fewer than half of those get a whole day and night dedicated to them . . .it's hard work to attend weddings. . . unless for those people very close to you. But even then you will have to sit through long services with preachers who drone on and on about wives submitting, husbands heading households...and once in a while some sermons actually clarify that heading households means living by example...etc. etc. Then you sit through a buffet lunch of the usual, pilau, chapati's and beef/pea stew...speeches to the women to be good wives and the boys to look after their families...presentation of gifts by both sides of the family etc. etc. go home, change into party wear and then on to the evening party where alcohol flows aplenty...next morning, huge hangover and general, random thoughts that weddings are to be avoided...until you get the next card . . .

as i attended the latest wedding i thought, there goes another one out of the singles club. And it also made me realize that now they would be able to be part of certain discussions; groupings by virtue of their having experienced marriage. they will gain a certain respect among the folks and even more strangely amongst their agemates. . .they will be treated differently. A respectful different.

Meanwhile for the singletons the message being sent is this is a waiting game - just wait it out. Waiting to hear our name called up to join the wedding roll and evenually the married club. . .And what are we waiting for. . . we are waiting for 'respect' because it sure doesn't come from any other 'achievement' . . .more education...pshaw! not the same; successful career/business...whatever! not the same!!! that's quite a loud message being sent out to singletons in this country.

We continue to wait for people to actually not look at us with that sad, smile when they ask you what's new and you talk about how you have time to go to the gym; go on holiday; buy shoes worth ridiculous amounts of money; take a job that requires you to travel all over all the time. . .etc. etc.

they give you that smile, that sad smile which says, ' . . .that's all well and good, but what is the point if you don't have anyone to share that with? . . .a person who makes all this worthwhile?. . .when will you start actually living?'

Essentially everyone's saying, all that stuff's OK but, life starts when you start sharing it with someone, when you start having joint dreams with a spouse or partner. . .and if that's not happening then you are simply not living. you are a sad, sad, woman or man.

And those are the thoughts that were/are running through my head . . .i felt like a child among adults yesterday. . . on a conscious level i know that there are several ways to live ones life. None is more superior than the other. All experiences are valid. So why do i feel on a subconscious level like my present experience is invalidated every time someone says they are getting married; having a baby or buying a house? Why do i feel on a subconscious level that this experience has lost just that little bit of its lustre? why do i feel on a subconscious level that, earning that 'respect' will restore the necessary, never have to polish it-stays forever lustre to my life?

How do you live and validate your experience all the while battling the subconscious feeling that there can only be one valid experience which the world values? I suppose the question is, 'how important is it to be valued by the world?' Or rather, is it more important to be valued by the world or to have self-acceptance and love which validates every experience as true, healthy and right for that particular time and moment?

I suppose by the time one joins the marrieds/paired-up club the 'respect prize' offered by society to they who win acceptance into the club, should be secondary. the goal should be to enter in union because it is an authentic, valid experience which makes you happy most of the time and this person is the one who you wish to share the rest of your experiences with for however long you are given on earth. . .

Rules of engagement for a Kenyan gal and Dad

It seems every time we get together with my Dad it turns into a contest of some sort. His political views sometimes just seem so naive. He doesn't seem to see how deeply rooted the rot is in our society and especially for women and low-income men and women. It's like total denial. And it is becoming so wearying i just want to avoid getting into these debates.

today was no different, only that for once i had an ally among one of my relatives. She too feels that there is still so much more the Government needs to be facilitating and doing to create an enabling environment. Which i too believe. For some reason today he listened. Perhaps it's easier to listen to someone whose diapers you didn't change:)

But more and more our relationship seems fraught with a lot of irritation on both our parts. It's hard to say when this started. I do remember feeling this way coming straight from uni and thought we had negotiated some type of rules for engagement which were working fine. It's like we're regressing to that time. It's made harder because my siblings get out of alot of these interactions, and so can't really understand when i say that he can be quite dismissive. . .so i'm left with nobody to really run this by...until the next time when we have to meet. It's just so maddening...i mean he's my Dad, that will not change. I just wish he would take my opinion seriously and just also once in a while show interest in what i do and believe.

Perhaps this has roots in the fact that as our parents age they feel they are losing significance in our lives. So sometimes they retreat and disengage with who our adult selves now are. i also don't think it's that he doesn't support my core beliefs about women's equality and the role of men in achieving this...Lord knows he has been nothing but supportive of my education; my mum's role in the church etc. etc. But somehow on the practical, day to day engagement...this is not happening in our relationship. I don't feel his support alot of the times; his respect of my ideas; my opinions...and i also feel tired because he by rights gets my respect because he is my Dad! Society dictates this of children to their parents. So it's just not a fair engagement. . .nobody says at least in my family that you have to respect your children. . .and that is what makes our exchanges tiring.

I just wish it was different. The irony is that i am more responsible, think like him and my mum more than ever . . .shame that we can't get along better. I think we got on better when i did my own thing.

Couch blogging

so now i can surf in the house...it's such a lovely feeling! a whole different mojo blogging wise. In terms of demands on my attention it's a toss up between TV and the laptop...the latter's wnning out. I've been wanting to get internet connection in the house but laziness to follow up, bloody Telkom ...it just never happened. then this month i found myself with an extra 16K and then I got on to the phone with Flashcom Wireless. . .who lived up to their name and set me up in less than 1 hour! As for Telkom, i hear they are still doing a survey to see if i qualify for a digital line....go figure!

I must admit though i expected the speeds to be way faster...have to find out why that is ..listen to me speak, me who did not even have an internet connection yesterday!

Anyway for now it will do...

The best part about a wireless home internet connection...
....is waking up on Saturday morning, in my jammies and sitting on my couch and just logging on to wherever.
. . .knowing that i am not eating into my employers time (although the way i feel right now about them...who cares...) surfing
. . .i can job hunt in peace without pesky, nosy colleagues going through my 'history' to see what jobs i have applied for!
. . .i can chit chat with friends on MSN and soon hopefully skype...(an aside: my sister tells me that there's this Kenyan dude who keeps wanting to be added to her list of skype contacts and she has never set eyes on him and is not interested in setting eyes on him....go figure!)
. . .i can keep up with my blogging and write when the spirit moves me
. . .it is another alternative form of entertainment
. . .i got a phone in the mix and VoIP to north america, UK and SA is like 15 shillings:)
. . .i can surf leisurely knowing that my boss is not lurking behind me, wondering why i have all these images of shoes and bags on my screen. . .

OK, my eyes hurt and Desperate Housewives is coming on in a few. . .

Call me a complainer. . .

i'm sick of Government Ministers and officials deriding Kenyans for being complainers! Excuse me, could it be that we complain because the services we ask for aren't forthcoming? Yesterday or was it today it was Kivuitu, 'warning' Kenyans not to come running to him complaining because they have left their voter registration to the last minute! And get this, he insists that there is no way we will extend the registration period beyond the legal 1 month period. Whatever, instead of supporting efforts to change legislation to allow for open registers all year round, this ass tells us to stop complaining!

His tone just totally irritated me. Who is he to lecture the very people who pay his salary through our hard earned taxes? Why can't Kenyan Government officials just accept that they are 'servants' of the people and drop the freaking paternalistic attitude! I can just imagine Kivuitu wagging his fingers at the Kenyan citizen....it just is madness!

Serikali, please leave me be a complainer in peace and you get on with the business of ensuring that i have less to complain about tomorrow...

Pervy Bush!

If George Bush, leader of the supposed free world can do this . . . i think we can all conclude that he has little respect for women in general! The fact that he does this in front of cameras shows that this man does not care about what his office is supposed to convey and represent!

For many women his gestures unfortunately are so common. We all have examples of male acquaintances, colleagues and even family members who will simply not keep their hands to themselves. You find their hands crawling up towards your breast or thigh or bum. . .it's so maddening! Often times they do it so quickly you might be mistaken that it was a 'slip' of the hand. It rarely is!

Shame on Bush and other pervs out there!

For any men who think that he was being friendly, try and think of it as someone (a relative acquaintance or colleague) brushing your groin area repeteadly as they say, 'there, there, don't be upset, i'm just trying to get you to see my point of view, Relax!!!' oh, and this is in say an office situation for example!

That's what it feels like when unwanted touches pepper ones life as a result of pervy males!