Wednesday, August 29, 2007

A state of grace

Grace: kindness, kindliness (n); favour, honor, distinguish (v)

We all exist in a state of grace, bestowed by a higher power. For the cynics amongst us, our inability to see this state of things, becomes a way of life.

For the part time cynics; fallen by the wayside (for a bit) optimists, things going on around us at one time or another can make us not see the grace that has been given to us. We whine and whinge, then we get a wake up call. When we can choose to sit up and acknowledge the great many blessings in our lives or we ensconce ourselves even further in the dark, depths of despair.

For many of us, the ability to recover from the wayside of doom and gloom is faster depending on how often we exercise our 'see the state of grace' muscles and motor neurons. For others we wallow in despair and gloom long enough that it takes an inordinate amount of prodding; kicking and shoving for us to get up and acknowledge the grace in our lives. In this state of wallowing in doom and gloom, it sometimes calls for huge events to be thrust upon us inorder to recognize that grace does exist in our life.

In my last post i was really well into the doom and gloom mode about my work. I felt all was just dark. And yes, the conditions are still the same but today i see the state of grace in my work. That even as i despair, there are women and communities out there that rejoice at being lent a helping hand as they seek to treat each other with dignity. They are glad to partner with us. They value our insights and welcome us in their midst. They are glad to have us on their journey.
That's my state of grace.

I didn't write about it, but i have also been wallowing in doom and gloom about relationships. I met a man who is younger than me and we've been seeing each other for about a month now. We recently defined our relationship as dating. As soon as we did that, i was beset by such self doubt about the suitability and viability of this relationship. Then self-chastisement for being so gloomy about something that should bring such joy. This morning i woke up with such doubt about it, that i was plotting how to end it all.
Then i got to work and got a text from this person, telling me, 'Have a nice day!'
The state of grace here is that, there is someone who cares enough to know that i've been a bit down and is hoping today things turn around for me. That's it, no need to over analyze all the other aspects of this relationship until it is time to. For now it is to go with the flow.

I encountered somebody this morning at a meeting i was in, my prayer is that she will find her state of grace to focus on, as she works out how to cope with the current health challenges facing her.

What's your state of grace today at work, home, life, beliefs?

Post inspired by: http://www.themobiusstrip.wordpress.com/

Monday, August 27, 2007

The lay of the land

So i haven't posted here for ages. Not because i didn't want to. But sometimes it felt hard to put stuff that was going on, as it was so personal.

You know how some things are thrust on you, even though you weren't really looking for them? Well, this job was thrust upon me. And i think i've done quite well on it, turning some things around and doing the best for those we work with.

But, try as i can, it is also taking away the passion i had for women's empowerment. It has become more about managing the politics of this organization; condescending, rude co workers; a boss who it feels is not willing to stick his neck out and just lay down the law on some behaviour; feeling that although we say gender equality is core to the organization- our leaders' actions and interests do not show show that; and the lack of a team spirit/common goal in our sector which makes us look disorganized (in my opinion one of the biggest reasons why GE work doesn't go far in many organizations).

So what have i been doing about it. Fighting when i can. Stepping back when necessary. Ignoring some of these issues. Keeping focused on the big picture.

But it's hard and somehow in all this, I don't feel sure that i'm making a difference. Truth be told, i'm bored stiff with this job. It is boring! It is too restricted. I need to feel the excitement there was when new work was starting; new partnerships were starting up. I just can't summon that, within this environment. It's like everything has lost its shine. When i try out something new, sometimes just getting approvals and movement on it takes so long, it just loses its shine.

I need a new job. I need to get back to the basics. I need a new job! I can't be around this place any longer because it does not feel like i can do things that will really contribute to empowerment of women to the extent i would like to.

The nice thing however is that all this is enabling me to build in my mind' the kind of job i want. So that's the positive side to it all. I know that come January 2008 i'll be in a new job.

I don't feel that there'll be regret at leaving this place. You know how sometimes it turns out that what you had was good and you discover this when you have left it...this will not be the case.

As an aside:
One of my pet peeves, the over use of the term grassroot or grassroots! In my opinion, everything and everywhere is the grassroots. If you live in Nairobi, what makes you think you are not grassroot? What makes you think that you have to be in Muranga or Bondo or Garissa to be grassroot? Grassroot is location which is not defined by its urbanness or ruralness.

We are so hung up on grassroot this and the other, that we are discriminating against some groups. During this whole debate on affirmative action as a means of increasing the presence of women in our political space, the misuse of the term grassroot was just so vexing almost as much as the crude displays of misogynyistic statements by some of the male members of parliament.

The whole debate of whether the seats would go to urban women or 'real grassroots' women. Kwani women who live in Kilimani, Kawangware, Athi River etc. are not grassroot? Are there degrees of grassrootness? For instance is a woman from Kitui less grassroot than a woman from Kilimani area in Nairobi when we consider the question of political representation, because they have Nyiva Mwendwa a Kitui woman, representing them in parliament while the Kilimani ones don't?

Are there indeed degrees of grassrootness and who defines the degrees?
Is it the people themselves or outsiders?

Donors are always doing it, defining for Non-Governmental bodies what is grassroot.